Is it possible to ruin guacamole?
Yeah, I know the average guacamole making individual can ruin the stuff, but it doesn't it seem right that store-bought guacamole could be hideous, both in taste and visual appeal.
Back way too many months ago my favorite Mega-Buy Everything Here-Store started to remodel. At first it was tolerable, things were still where I expected them to be and they weren't handing out maps(!) at the door. By the time the Greeters appeared with maps it didn't matter anymore, everything was wrong, wrong, wrong. Weekly, I entered That Mega Store disguntled before I even began my shopping. The Greeter would try to disarm my attitude by giving me the crooked greeter smile and thrusting the damn map at me. I knew better! Sure, I could get a map, but I was aware that as I pushed my germ-laden cart through the disassembled aisles the items on the map were moving from one location to the next. I even helped move a few canisters of peanuts for the nut moving crew. But ha! The next time I was in the store the nuts had moved once again.
I finally had enough of the chaos and I'm sure my friends, family, and That Mega Store employees had enough of listening to my shopping woes every week.
Determined to show That Mega Store I didn't need their discombobulation in my life I decided to make a leap and shop at "Save Money. Buy Cheap Shit." Unfortunately for them I figured out their system in the produce department. They were not fooling me. Bananas, the staple of my life, were more expensive than That Mega Store, but because I was already there I was supposed to buy them anyway. They figured I would reason along the line of: "With all the money I would save throughout the store I was sure to be richer in the end". In fact, according to the advertising promotion put out by "Save Money. Buy Cheap Shit." if I shop there for a year I will save so much I will be able to go on vacation!
See, this is all Shopper's Psychology, I think it is now an actual major available at four-year universities. My purchases are tracked and banked with everyone else's, then the dirty work of looking for trends come into play and soon after the remodeling starts. Then the store raises the prices on the items people will NOT leave the store without because they have to have them, hence more expensive bananas and milk. Oh, "Save Money. Buy Cheap Shit.", had less expensive coffee IF you were purchasing the one that tastes like water after you let it percolate for half a day. I like my coffee robust-the kind that puts hair on my chest because my steroid injections don't seem to be doing the job. I need a big kick in the morning, it helps me get the shorties out the door in a timely manner.
My intent was to enter "Save Money. Buy Cheap Shit." with a positive outlook, with their new savvy motto how could I go wrong? I skipped on the over-priced bananas (they weren't even organic at that price!), loaded what should have been the whole cow in my cart (regular milk at that price?!) and went hunting for the guacamole. Surprise, surprise, they didn't have my regular brand. In fact, what I discovered in general as I perused the store was a mix of "normal" brands intersperesed with cheaper and yes, cheap, imitations. You could "Save Money" if you bought the "Cheap Shit" but who wants a Lofthouse Cookie that "really" isn't a Lofthouse Cookie for 11 less cents.
The guacamole cinched it. There would be no return to "Save Money. Buy Cheap Shit." for me! They had two brands of guacamole, one that only offered a non-spiced version and another that had a spiced and regular choice. And can you believe that I could get twice the amount of my regular brand for the same price? I was sucked in, I grabbed the spicy version, paid for my loot, got the hell out and went home to eat my guacamole.
I never knew you could add WATER to guacamole. It sure does make the avocado go a lot further. So much further, in fact, that you can sell me twice as much guacamole as the next guy. I'm glad I didn't "Save Money" by buying cheap coffee or I would have had water with my water and how swell would that have been? I guess it would be one way to hydrate for the marathon.
I crawled back to That Mega Store today where they over-charged me for the cat food.
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Peace Like a River
By Leif Enger
Release date: 20 August, 2002